We can get caught up in the everyday hustle of life. Our life, as different as it may be from yours, isn’t so different at all. From watching our life on the outside, I bet you know it’s anything but boring and uneventful. My to-do lists are never-ending- that’s my wife to-dos, my 24/7 caregiver to-dos, my mom to-dos, my business to-dos and then you can just put the icing on the cake with normal extended family, friends and so on... our life is just busy- even while at home around the clock. Oh yeah... I forgot self-care (insert hand to forehead emoji).
One thing is for sure- We ALL need to recharge.
Just around the time of our son’s adoption, life got crazy messy. It was full of events- birthday and adoption celebrations, last minute visits with workers, paperwork, making sure school work was completed, youth group was starting back up and family therapy- ahhh! So much. Then as we got settled into our new normal, everyone was pushed to straight irritable moods- myself for sure. I put on my Mom/teacher/enforcer cap and was tired of boundary pushing and testing. You know, normal teenage stuff. But the changes of adoption finalization could have contributed a little too, as we officially became a family.
I was over the teenage- I run the house mentality, the ok just 5 more minutes on forrnite (after asking him for 40 minutes to get off), and the sass. Yes y’all, teenage boys are sassy, in case you don’t know. They are feeling all that testosterone kick in and their tone just flies 100 mph in our direction and they lose control. I was OVER IT!
Grounded. The week of his birthday and the week after finalization, after getting all kinds of new fun things, I had to “take them away”. It was my fault. I just wanted him to have nothing. At least that’s what he thought. I recall my dad saying "it hurts me more than it hurts you" and I went right over and put my Daddy's shoes on. I got it. I feel the weight of that, because there's nothing I want more than to see my son happy and having fun, and I have found I loathe taking things away, no matter the cost.
We’ve had to re-teach, re-train, and help our son realize his actions and behavior have consequences. And it’s so so hard. I hate taking things away, more than anything. I want him to have all good things in life. But boundaries, there must be boundaries! And they must be firm. When they aren’t, my parenting feels like quicksand. Bye y’all, I’m outta here! And then not only does he lose it, so do I. Guilty.
He’s a great kid. He’s a normal kid. He’s the best thing God has given Joel and myself, but this is real life.
Real life. Real life means balance- being firm but flexible. Being authoritative but gentle, by commanding respect with kindness. Being slow to anger (Lord, hear my heart!). Quick to listen and slow to speak. Being grounded and rooted but understanding.
Balance and boundaries are my new best friend as a mom. I can spend a lifetime learning just these two things. BUT, it also means that I balance fun with focus. I’m an achiever. I like to get things done. It’s my enneagram wing- I’m a helper, a 2 and a 3 wing- achiever (spoiler alert: Kenzie is doing a blog on the enneagram soon). I like to check things off my to-do list be often my to-do list never ends. When one thing ends, a new one begins. I get caught up with making sure things are done and I get so focused I often forget all about fun.
One thing I realized is that my son needs fun. He craves it. He craves my undivided attention (and y'all help me- so does my husband). And if I’m honest, as a mom, I can be so worried about making sure things are in order that I forget what he needs. He needs his Momma to be fun. Freddie thrives in wrestling, in play fighting, in games, in pranks, in laughter. He is most vibrant when he’s relaxed and cutting up. His laugh is my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s contagious and freeing. He loves family time (and this is something we've built-in to our schedule so it is a priority- more on that another time).
Joel also knows what I need, always long before I do. He arranged for his Dad to come over and stay with him while Freddie and I got out for the day. I had purchased some kayaking passes on Groupon for a place in town and had been saving them for after the summer rush. He told us to GO!
While Freddie won’t admit it now, he was petrified of alligators. They asked if we wanted single kayaks or to ride tandem. To my surprise, he wanted to ride together... even after all the arguing and fussing that had transpired over the weeks before. I told y'all... he needs and craves his Momma! And I didn't think much about it until the kayak was really rocking how much trust this took, to climb in a kayak with each other, inexperienced, in a swampy, murky creek for a couple of hours. This was how it was meant to be. We needed this team work. We needed to build this trust that only comes from really getting in the same boat, realizing we are on the same team, and having fun.
In a few short minutes, my Freddie was back. We were laughing, cutting up and being the mom and son we are together. But we needed to recharge. I needed to take my focus off everything else and have some fun. Ever since, things have been much better in our house. This experience wasn't all we needed, as it came coupled with more rules and boundaries around electronics as well, so we prevent getting back to that place. It also means I have to schedule time or anticipate fun time with my teenager. Teenagers, as moody and irritable as they can be are so much fun, but you have to pull it out of them.
So when I play uno with him, when I play fight with him before bed for 30 minutes longer than I want because I'm exhausted and a morning person, and when I pay him attention, even in those inconvenient moments where business or my care-giving responsibilities are also tugging at my attention too, we both win. I win because he gets what he needs from me and he wins because he gets what he needs from me. When he has those needs met, he is happy and I am less likely to get irritated at his tone, at his not-listening mentality. Sometimes it's not fighting against one another, but meeting their needs in a way only you can.
I don't know what you're going through Momma. I don't know the struggles of your mundane life, your 9-5, your round-the-clock mommin', but I do know that we all need to recharge. And you're the Mom! The only one they have, and same goes for you as a wife (if you're married). When you meet their needs, your needs get met. I know there's stuff that needs to get done- the 4 loads of laundry still sitting in the basket from last week, the floors that have been neglected with 10 layers of animal fur and dust, and the sink full of dishes, and I know you can need those things done to remain sane, but I also know your priorities and your focus can't be on the tasks. Your focus have to be on enjoying life, whatever it costs. Don't forget to recharge. Don't forget to have fun. Don't forget to focus on the needs and not just the list.
Here are some photos from our day at Pottsburg Creek and my first trip to Jax Beach.
Side note: Our car talks were amazing (ps... no phones other than the gps). Freddie opened up a lot more about foster care, like a trip down memory lane, as our trip took us down the area he grew up, lived in his first foster home, shopped at the foster closet, and spent time with his bio family. He was reminiscing about the good times and the tough times, all on his own. When he felt relaxed, when his needs were met, my kid blossomed, loosening the those roots down in that tough dirt to make room for me. I didn't have to cue him or ask him questions. And for a kid who they said wasn't open, might never open up, and who was rejected by a long-term placement for adoption because he wouldn't open up, this is EVERYTHING to me. It only took a little fun to bring that out of him.
The conversation that hit me most was when he started asking questions about how Joel and I found him, about our disruption with T (our failed adoption), and about his foster family. Freddie told me that he didn't tell anyone, but he secretly didn't want to be adopted before we came along. As the caseworker was prepping him for adoption by asking him questions, he said his last foster mom told him "It's going to take a long time for you a family to adopt you. People only want babies and not older kids. It might take years." He said a week later, he found out we wanted to adopt him.
He loves photos... can't you tell?! He also told me that he was just going to have to "get over" me taking photos and videos all the time, because I was always going to do it. hahaha You got that right boy. I know there weren't many photos taken of him (at least not on facebook from his family), so this whole idea that someone wants to give him attention is new. So he's warming up to it. We compliment him and love on him every chance we get. But I didn't have to tell you that- you knew it!
Happy Family-Venturing,
Lauren Jackson
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