A couple weeks ago I posted a trending video of a professional with many accolades for her writing on child psychology, on my personal facebook page. She discussed the psychology behind time outs. The video suggested that we may actually be doing harm to our children when using particular methods. I know, I know, if this is the first time you've heard that, it sounds silly and exaggerated.
But let me first ask you a question. Don't get defensive. Answer it honestly.
If you're a parent, what helped you choose what methods of discipline you would use? I care more about how you arrived at that decision than I do what methods you actually use.
I'm not going to tell you how I feel personally about the video, but after watching it (and analyzing many other educational resources along our parenting journey and classes), I found myself really asking about the bigger picture- How did we choose our parenting style? Are our methods working? Are they longterm or simply a reaction to a behavior? Is it a bandaid to cover up the mess, or are we really digging to the root to fix the bigger, underlying issues that we don't even know exist?
For real... don't gloss over those questions. We are creatures of habit. We get certain characteristics from our parents genetically, but we also form behaviors based on our surroundings, what we learn, our experiences, and even things we never intend to pick up from them, because that is just how nurturing works.
Do you spank?
Do you use time out?
Do you ground them?
Do you take things from them?
Do your kids run the house?
Do you allow your kids to engage in their own discipline?
I think one thing we all have in common with other parents is that no one-size fits all when it comes to kids. BUT... it wasn't until Joel and I were in parenting classes for foster care and adoption, that I realized that we also all have a choice. This choice is a conscious decision to make, about how we choose to raise our kids.
I won't tell you what I personally think about disciplining methods here, but I do want to make you think. And that's why I posted the video to my personal account. It was meant to help you open your mind and realize the why behind your disciplining methods.
If you answered the question above, "Well that's what my parents did, and I turned out OK!" no matter what the method is, you are in the boat I was in, in my mind before we entered the foster care world. And I really want to challenge you to move past that. I think we all need to truly know why we do what we do.
No matter my experience as a parent, I have seen the other side with multiple kids in foster care. I do know that many children in foster care have a history of punishment that was damaging, extremely damaging. I can't know everything my own kid has ever been through, but every single time he acts out, I see a kid who is still broken over things that I cannot heal with sweet hugs and gentle words. I can't kiss those bad memories away.
And in the defense of the parents who end up losing their children, they were probably just doing what their parents did to them, thinking they turned out OK. OR perhaps, they were just trying to get by and do the best they could with what they had.
Honestly, what does it take for us to really look in the mirror to realize that we aren't doing OK? How long does it take to realize we, perhaps that we are living in habit. I think it could be years. I think it could be that we raise children, unaware of the consequences of our own actions, if we do not ever take a glance at that mirror. We live in daily survival. Our kids pay the price for our reactions- good or bad.
Here are a few options of how we choose our disciplining methods:
1. Habitual Experience. We are creatures of habit. We repeat what we are taught or learn from the things we are taught and try to steer clear of those places of hurt. We try to do better- no matter how good or bad better is to us. We do better. But only because that's what was taught to us. Not because we make a choice to examine the underlying consequences that we are creating mini versions of ourselves and continuing a pattern that is never-ending.
2. Aimless Reaction. If we do not know there is a better way, we repeat those same hurtful and traumatizing things out of desperation, or lack of other options. We live in oblivion because there are too many other stressors in life. I think this is where most kids in foster care have lived, in the midst of parents who tried to hold it together, but they just didn't know. I don't think parents intentionally hurt kids, most times. They think they are doing alright. And that is a BIG problem. They never look into that mirror.
3. Conscious Understanding. The third option, in case you haven't realized it, is to educate ourselves as parents. Educate ourselves however we can by reading, studying, and implementing things that may seem strange, because they are unfamiliar. This is where, no matter where you are on your parenting journey, you take a look in that mirror and you allow yourself to realize that you do not have to repeat disciplining methods. Hey, maybe this or that method really worked for you as a kid, but you choose it instead of letting it choose you! This is where we so desperately need to be as parents. This is what matters most when it comes to choosing our parenting styles. This is where we step out of aimless discipline and survival mode and we come armed and ready for battle to fight for our kids and families instead of against them. This is where we choose methods that work and transform and don't just treat a behavior. This is root work. And it hurts. It is a conscious decision to choose every. single. day.
And if I give you anything here, this is what I give you... I want so desperately to live here. I want to be all that I can for my kid. I want to be here, but I am not. A lot of times I'm stuck somewhere between options 1 and 2, because those are quick fixes. But I know that's not healthy for us or for his future. I'm also setting him up to be a parent one day.
Our kids keep us on our toes. Don't they? Parenting is tough. And I don't know the half of it. I'm not an expert. I don't know what it's like to raise a kid from birth. But I think you and I have a lot in common. I think you and I want what is best for our kids. I will never call you a fool for how you choose to parent. I will never call you out publicly or personally for how you raise your kid. I will never tell you that you are wrong. BUT, I will challenge you to think. I will challenge you, because I need to be challenged, so that is a good indicator that all of our momma hearts have that same need.
And for you mommas that agree with me, please share this post. Please send this to someone. Encourage one another. Realize that we are all on the same team.
We only fight Satan here, not each other- "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy..." John 10:10.
We need to build one another up. We need to pray for each other. We need to fight TOGETHER. So get on your humble pants, take a good look in that mirror, and start changing for you, because we all are here because our work here is not yet finished. We all need to be transformed to be more and more like Jesus. So no momma whining or bashing. Just choose.
Get it Momma,
Lauren
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