When the Honeymoon is Over {Our Adoption Journey}

They all warn you that there's a "honeymoon phase" of this adoption journey. Everything is new and exciting, You've waited so long to meet the kid(s) you will make apart of your family. Emotions run high and everything is peachy. Then at no designated time, it comes to a grinding halt. It all ends and reality sets in.

When you have to say "no" for the first time, it feels odd. When things you expected them to know or understand or feel are "common" boundaries are questioned, the real parenting creeps in slowly. I, as a child, thought saying "no" was easy and natural for parents. But it feels so wrong on so many levels. To say "no" is a protective, pro-active response to keep your kids safe, provide boundaries that create structure and support a healthy household.

But saying "no" is easy, compared to what comes next. One day those triggers they warn you about will come. In a good moment, on a good day, when your heart is full, triggers arise and you go into full parent-mode. This mode is probably the abrupt end to your honeymoon phase. It is the very moment that you pray never comes, but it's inevitable. These kids come with a lot of unpacking to do. They don't wear their heart on their sleeves. They don't come as a package, tied up with a pretty ribbon that tells you when to expect the worst. Because, they don't know. And neither will you.

When it happens, you dig deep. You muster every bit of love, training, preparation, and endurance you have and you realize "this is the moment for which you were created" (Esther 4:14) OR you find that you're really not cut out for the long haul. This isn't a single moment in time. This is your new normal.

This is where love really begins. You choose love. You choose to be the person that changes the way they see the world, day-by-day. It doesn't come instantly. But moment-by-moment, trigger-by-trigger, battle-by-battle, you will teach them they can trust for the first time in their life. You will teach them that love is not conditional. You, being a rock, being steady, being dependable, being there no matter what, it will teach them to reverse those thoughts that they are alone. Because for, perhaps, the very first time in their life, they will know love, if only for a second.

It is not a test, to pass go and collect $200. It will happen again. And each time, you will chip away at that wall. You must choose to fight the battle. You CANNOT throw in the towel. FIGHT. With them you must fight it. Through tears you must fight it. Through prayer over them you must fight it. Through anger for what has brought them here, you must fight it. Through your own worries and concerns, you must fight it. Through wondering if you can do it, you must fight it. Through picking yourself up off the floor, you must fight it. You cannot win a battle you choose to wave a white flag of surrender.

That brings me to the village. Your village will emerge. You will find out who is willing to stand with you. You will find who is willing to do no matter what to love your kid(s) through it all, unconditionally. You will be empowered to continue to fight because these people will, as my son says "are your people". They prove themselves through the flame. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes they are family, sometimes they are a team of workers who talk with you into the wee hours of the night, because their job is more than a job, it is a calling beyond the 9 to 5. These people are your people.

For some, it won't come natural. And that's ok. You will know. Some you leave behind in this season. Because you need distance so your child is not judged... So that they don't hold expectations of you as a parent over you... So that your child can learn you and you can learn your child. It's ok. Sometimes you just need space. You need privacy. You need time alone with your kid(s). They need to feel safe. They need to fill this adjustment period with their own thoughts and dreams without their space feeling invaded. They need room to be planted. To settle in and root themselves. This only comes with time.

When the honeymoon is over, you have to remember that everyday, not matter how bad, has the potential for goodness. Battles mean sometimes, despite the struggle, you win. Without a battle, you are never victorious. Through the battle- victory, love, strength, acceptance, trust, respect and a myriad of others elements are forged. It is not for the faint of heart. But you must FIGHT.

Never underestimate the power of prayer. Jesus even laid hands on the children in Matthew 19:15. Get in their personal space, respectively. Get intimate with them in these moments, because they've never had someone love them. Perhaps the only touch they may have ever known was a form of abuse. Loving hands, with powerful words, your kid's mind is making new assumptions about the world and God is making space, one prayer at a time. Don't be afraid. Pray what they do not know to pray. Pray what they might not understand for their own good. God is willing. Don't fret Mama, the fight is won in these moments.

Spoiler alert: Jesus already won the battle for you. All you need to do is show up to the fight.