If I Told You, You'd be Scared {Our Adoption Progress and more}

I remember sitting in my loft one day back in my old house. That room had so many purposes- I painted it a funky shade of purple, we had band practice in it for our youth group laughing for days, and I found myself on my knees, tears streaming down my face in prayer many nights. I prayed for all sorts of things. I prayed mostly for direction for my life and for those who were hurting in their own lives. Joel's accident had happened recently and it left me wondering a lot of things in my own life (we were not together then).

I remember one instance more than any other though. That night I begged God to know the future for my life, that He might unfold it before me as I sat there, just me and Him, me in His presence. I know I heard this, "If I told you, you'd be scared." While it took me a few years to grasp that, it makes sense looking at how life has unfolded for Joel and me. I had no clue 5 years ago when we finally started to date again what I was getting myself into, to be frank. And if I had known, I would have been scared.... just like God said.

Fast forward 5 years and I feel God telling me He didn't only mean that one dimensionally. That phrase is going to continually rear it's reality in our life. And it means we are in good company.

Let me indulge you.

When Joel and I decided to start trying for a child, we for some odd reason were not scared. We lived with his parents at the time and we had a good support system, but God had something else in mind. We tried for over 3 years. About 2 years in I started to talk to him about adoption. You see, since I was a teenager I had this inkling I would have a hard time trying to get pregnant. God started to prime my heart for adoption early. But, Joel had never really considered it until I started expressing my heart for it. Little by little he came around. And then this past summer we started to tell our family... very slowly. We started classes in July. And I had every intention of blogging our entire journey. However, in the midst of it, it has become very difficult to put words to the things taking place inside my heart.

We began the idea with the thought of adoption.

I knew Joel wanted a girl and a boy (however, I made sure he knew I wanted a BIG(GER) family as time progressed).

We started immediately looking at sibling groups.

He was still in the mindset of little kids. It took a hot minute, but I convinced him I could not chase a 3 year old, dress, feed the kid, run a business, and take care of him. I needed a little more stability than that. Little kids now kinda scare and intimidate me. HAHA

We started then with the age of 5 and stopped our minds at 12. Teenagers just scared us. All of those things that cross everyone's mind... yep we were guilty. They are too old. They won't be home long. We are too young for kids that are half our age. They are troubled. They.... and the list goes on.

Over and over in our PRIDE classes our family advocate would say “one of you in here is going to be lucky enough to adopt a teen” and I kept looking over my shoulder as if there was someone behind me and kept telling myself (over and over), she’s it talking to me! Little did I know every time she was saying those words she was chipping away at my hardened heart.

And...

Then as I meet kids, something changes DRASTICALLY! I'm no longer looking at photos, I'm the one taking the photos. I'm talking to these kids. I'm feeding these kids. I'm dang-it... LOVING these kids!

And some things start to make perfect sense.

Joel and I have lived a LOT of life in 28 years. A LOT more than some live in a lifetime. We've been through parents' divorces, remarriages, blending families, Joel's battle with drugs, my divorce, heart break after heart break, then there's everything Joel and I both have lost in our independence because of the accident. We don't live like average 28 year olds. We are not normal (I'm laughing inside, what is normal anyway?). And I realize that in the midst of all this, maybe all those struggles and all that pain was meant for something more. Maybe all the things we've been through are meant to help us help our kids and the losses and pain in their own lives.

I have kids show up at my doorstep almost daily just to hang out. These kids are anywhere from 11-16. I've led several youth group teens and loved every single second. I felt I was needed and they were changed by sharing real life with them. Joel's hardest years were his teenage years. Maybe just maybe he has something to share that a teen needs to hear and trust. There are kids out there just waiting on us to pour our lives into theirs.

But wait!

So last week was incredible. We fed 10 kids in foster care. And they were so lovable. Every single one. They played games, inside and outside. They laughed and cut up. They got to be kids.

Tonight the boys down the street stop by to pet and hold the ducks and chase Mocha around. After I moved Joel to the living room, I invited them in because they were still outside. They watched me make dinner. We talked and though they hadn't really engaged with Joel before (they usually stop by when he's asleep or I'm outside), Joel invited them for dinner one night. They lingered while we ate. We watched a sitcom together and they asked for a snack. And my heart was listening. I thought these kids were about to go home for dinner, but in reality we live in a kinda rough neighborhood- these kids don't even go to the school right across the road because they are terrified and they are not little guys. But honestly, I've known since we drove up to a traffic filled road the very first day we saw this house that God was going to use us to impact this neighborhood somehow.

I've had little visions of the future here. I've wanted to have a home group, but nothing ever fit just right when planning it out and Joel wasn't ever super on board, until tonight. As soon as the boys left, with their buttered popcorn hands, I asked him what he thought about having a home group for the neighborhood kids... a safe place once a week for them to come, eat, hang out, have adults that just love on them, pour into them, show Jesus' love to them, play basketball, corn hole, sing around the fire.... whatever we feel led to do. This is exactly how Joel and I met. We met in youth group. We had home group in our communities once a week where we just went and hung out and had youth leaders invest into us. The farm.... this is the place. If we can't transform the school.... let's transform the lives of these kids around it.

Y'all my heart could burst. I've been doing bits and pieces of this my whole life and so has Joel. And we are so ready. I can't wait to watch how God unfolds all of this. I can't wait to be the reason that a kid chooses a right path instead of getting into the car with a drunk driver, or passes the blunt without taking a hit, or just asks me to hold them why they cry over a broken heart.

And if that isn't awesome, I just want you to know that God has completely transformed our hearts, and it is very very likely we will be bringing TEENAGERS into our home that are not just the neighborhood kids, but OUR kids. I can't explain it, but I can tell you that if you aren't scared of what God has for your life, it probably isn't God. Don't let your dreams be smaller than God's. I pray He uses me to make the MOST impact. And I fully trust Him. I don't know what God has in store this next month, and I'm sure y'all think I'm about to be committed to the crazy house, but I can tell you I'm no longer scared, I'm thrilled to be becoming a Mama, PERIOD!

Just like they have told us all along in classes, there are so many more years after 18, and everyone needs family. You're never too old for a family. Our hearts are open.