Joel and I both expected to learn a few things about the adoption process during our 9 week long Pride classes. However, in just 5 weeks time, so many things that we had previously decided on have drastically changed. These classes are very educational- not only for prospective foster and adoptive parents, but for parents in general. Let's face it, if you've birthed a child, you didn't get a manual handed to you on the way home from the hospital! Am I right?!
I was extremely curious when it came to Pride classes. I wanted to know the curriculum, the topics, and anything I could prior to starting the class. And while I'm not expert, I will go over the 9 week class in more detail when we wrap up near the end of September. But for now, here are a few things that these classes have helped us to shift our paradigms.
#1- How We Discipline
Joel and I were both raised in a home that believed in the belt. And while I'm sure it served its purpose, we are embarking on different forms of discipline for our children. Wherever you stand on this topic, regardless of the degree, in a home where children have been abused on multiple levels, it just doesn't suit. When you're considering adopting kids from care, you have no idea what they have been through. Their paperwork is only a glimpse of the trauma they have endured and triggers are on high alert, especially in the beginning, as they wait in expectation for another let down. Behaviors are intensified in a changing environment.
We will talk discipline in class this week, but prior to reaching that point, our viewpoint has already started taking a new look. We believe that each child is different and therefore discipline (just like learning, rewards and coping) will look different. What works for one child will break another. You have to know your children. As pointed out in the early weeks of our training, "sending a child to their room"- as most of us have either done or experienced as a form of discipline ourselves, will actually send a kid that has been through a traumatic event into a tailspin as they are reminded of abandonment. "Taking away their favorite toy" could make them feel as if we never really wanted them to have it in the first place, and after all they are used to people taking, taking, taking from them.
While we know that we will discipline, we aren't sure what that looks like yet. I think in part, this weeks class will help us figure those things out a little more. And part of it will come as we navigate through the waters of parenthood.
#2- Behavioral Issues
Discipline leads me to behavioral issues. While most people discipline bad behavior, this will not be our primary goal. Often, kids in care come with a lot of troubled behavior. This behavior, though not ideal for the faint of heart, is not the issue. The issue is the why behind the behavior. A temper tantrum in the middle of Target for a kid that has been placed in foster care is not necessarily the same as a kid with a clean slate at home. There's something beneath the surface and treating the behavior like the problem will only be an endless cycle of confusion for you both. Until you change the way you react out of frustration with them, you won't change their behavior. Sometimes that means you gotta get down on their level and dig... deep. That means perhaps you sit in the aisle on the floor and wait on this 10 year old to stop acting like a 2 year old and reason with you. This means you don't go to the bathroom or the car and put a bandaid on the behavior by hitting or being verbally abusive in effort to change the behavior, but understand why the behavior is happening, what triggered this kid that lost their mind in a seconds time.
This means there is work to do. This means there's a lot of open communication that must take place- a lot of uncomfortable talks that open up doors to monsters and skeletons and create a deeper trust and bond in the end.
#3- Age is just a Number- No really!
While society tells us certain marks socially, academically, and emotionally about children at particular ages, there are always exceptions. The rules lay out that a student should be at X when they are X years of age and should be able to do a, b, c, and d. However, when a child experiences set backs in their life that disturb their routine, or perhaps their routine is so out of whack that chaos is their norm, it delays them in every area of their life.
While I grew up in a house where my dad expected us to be on track to leave or pay rent when we turned 18, teenagers that are in foster care will not be ready to take flight from the nest at graduation. In their academics, most children in care are 2-3 years behind other kids their age. Emotionally, they will act younger in most cases. Socially they will tend to be overly attached to their peers and others or they will not feel they are able to fit in due to their delays and disturbances that have caused set backs. In other words, we could adopt an 11 year old boy, the same age as Joel's youngest brother, and he could be in 3rd grade, unable to read, act like an 8 year old or act like a 15 year old because he has had to take on a parental role for a younger sibling, and afraid to participate in activities because he never had a father figure to show him how to ride a bike, dribble a ball, or play catch like other kids his age.
The truth of the matter is, there is no formula. These kids are not the rule, they are the exception. And part of our responsibility as parents is to figure out how to help them from where they are and not set expectations on them that we might have had if we birthed them ourselves and raised them their entire life.
Another side of this age thing is that some prospective parents have this idea that the younger the child, the less likely their trauma will impact them later in life. Perhaps they won't remember or have a mental set back because you adopt them at 3 or 4 instead of a child that is 9 or 10. This isn't true in most cases. Though they may not remember accurately what happened to them, all trauma impacts the brain and developmental growth, even from birth. The worst part is that there may not be signs of these impacts at an early age, but eventually they will come to the surface. So the myth of adopting younger because the impact is less, is just that... it is a myth. Adopting is a lifelong choice and commitment. The heartbreaking truth is that so many kids return to foster care because adoptive parents put this expectation on them and are torn because their child(ren) do have challenges that they thought would never surface.
If there's something that we've learned in this 5 weeks, it is that you can't sweep their past under a rug. It is not healthy for them and ultimately your family as a whole. Open communication with comfort and understanding is a daily requirement of parents looking to adopt.
#4- Communication with Biological Family
Before Pride class, I would have felt very strongly about a closed adoption. I would want nothing more than to provide that escape from danger, trauma, and instability. I had all these preconceived notions about biological/birth families being apart of our children's lives. However, while it is still a scary thing and there is so much more that goes into considering a line of communication for our children with their biological family. We assume that a child that has been taken from their family was taken from them all. That none of them are good. That no one wanted them. This is not always the case.
While adoptive parents of babies and/or toddlers have the luxury of growing their child up from the earliest stages of life, we also have something greater to offer our kids- and that is their heritage. Understanding where they came from, to any degree will help them understand who they are and help us as parents make more informed decisions about their life. While we may not be provided a full family history, we are provided with some strong background information if we stay in touch with their safe relatives. Stripping them of everything in their life is more damaging that it is good. They know life isn't perfect, but they deserve to have bonds from their blood relatives like cousins or grandparents that were just too elderly or sick to take care of them.
We certainly don't have our minds made up on this topic, and I'm sure it will take on a completely different look when they are in our arms, but we do have a better understanding of why allowing a safe and healthy line of communication between biological family members and our children is good thing. We can learn so much more about them and know how to provide a better life for them, just by studying their roots.
#5- Embracing Cultural Differences
Boy oh boy! We live a in melting pot of cultural and societal differences. We live in a world that tends to push the envelope on race, gender, and spiritual chaos. Americans look as if we are intolerant, biased, and ignorant of others. However, I lean towards the fact that a good challenge and battle, chaos- no matter how loud and how ugly at times, is our society willing to take a stand and inform others. No it is not always ideal, but the mere fact that we are taking a stand (wherever you stand) allows us to educate others. Silence is deadly. When we talk, when we walk, when we stand, we are fighting for something greater. No battle is ever easy, but it takes war to make progress sometimes and shed light on the things that hurt us inside that others before us were afraid to speak about. So, speaking is a good thing.
Ok ok... enough. How does this relate to adoption? As I type this and think of my days of day dreaming about having a family and I'm not sure it was ever holding a baby in my arms with the smell of baby powder and countless hours of sleep loss. No, instead my vision is always in the kitchen. It's one of my happy places. It's where Joel challenges my amateur chef ability and I get to create something new all the time. If I'm being honest, I long for the chance to bake with my kids and teach them to cook- Lord give us kids that enjoy food and the kitchen as much as me! That's my dream. We eat everything- Jamaican, Mexican, Italian, Japanese, Cajun, American, the list goes on. And by we eat, I mean I cook! The chance to embrace another culture and cuisine and learn their traditions- not matter how far they are from ours gets me excited.
While these kids may not have much when they come through our doors, they will have memories. Good ones and bad. If I can make those good ones richer with food, with traditions, if I can make those things come to life for my children and bring them comfort, then I will feel like I'm embracing culture the way that every parent should.
xoxo,
Lauren
Comments