This week was a big week for us. I've been longing to find a lofted bed for our kids {a top bunk bed, for optimizing play space}. And I found one- a solid wood bed, full sized, and sturdy- for $100, delivered and set up, SWEET!!! You can't even buy a new one in this good of shape for that. Every piece of furniture in this room and nearly every piece of decor has a story behind it. That's apart of me. I like a good story. That's how I design homes and rooms, it's how I market, it's how I live. I like pieces of history and stories around me to resonate and bring those warm, comforting feelings to myself and my clients.
Last night in Pride class in week #4 of our adoption journey something hit home with me.... but first last week we talked about how kids often come to placement with adoptive parents with a trash bag- a few pairs of clothes, perhaps a tattered teddy bear, and a single picture of someone they love- if that. The sad reality is that the kids in care have nothing, so what they have means so much to them- even that stinky little bear that's falling apart.
These are pieces of their story, just like this room is filled with pieces of our story. This crib that has been converted into a bed was my crib 28 years ago. The tent was handmade by my dad and me on his farm in Tennessee, the wood from one of his barns and the pole from the flagpole on the house I grew up in. The lace on this tent came from the canopy of bed from a dear, elderly lady that was a neighbor to me; she was the only person that watched me take a project in college, from start to finish- she would watch for hours as I designed a fully executed home for a make-believe client from a blank sheet of paper. The chair I'm sitting in was given to us from a friend's mother that had no idea that our kids room theme would be the "beach", but it's embellished with sailboats stitched into gingham checked fabric. The wardrobe was Joel's late Granddaddy's. The signs hanging are from our wedding day photo booth. The anchor and fishes were given to me by my sister and the life saver came from our realtor and her sister- the same realtors that drove to our house on closing day and ripped out the carpet and made new doorways so that Joel could get to our bedroom with his medical equipment. So much history.
*PSA: I get a lot of questions regarding the age(s) and gender(s) of our children. The reality is that we will not find out which children we are matched with for a few more months. We have bedding that suits "boys" or "girls" and we have another bedroom if we need more space to separate opposite genders. We have tried to make this bedroom gender neutral, because at least right now this mama needs to nest, just like those expectant parents!
When we think about adoption initially, we often think warm and fuzzy feelings, just like these things give us. We think of how we are rescuing them from a life of abuse and neglect. We think of how ungrateful some kids are these days and how appreciative these kids in care will be to have a forever home. But those are often illusions. The reality, the ugly truth, is that though there are glimpses of these things in the process, some of these things take time and there's a lot more to this than you realize. The ugly truth is that no matter how bad their former life was, they love their biological parents and family. They didn't want to be removed from the only place they felt was comfortable and familiar to them. Chances are they have been tossed from one family to another and felt rejection all over again. They are expecting it again- from you. Regardless of how good your intentions are to take care of these children and love them, they will often feel you are taking them, stripping them of everything they know and replacing all the things in their life they have been comfortable with- their clothes, their friends, their family, their siblings, their parents, their sports team, their name, their belongings... the list goes on. The ugly truth is that this juxtaposition of you wanting to help a child in need and their feeling like coming to you means they are forfeiting their life to something new and unfamiliar, can be a battle you never expected. If you expect these kids to be grateful, more grateful than the average kid, you might be surprised when they feel you rejection from them initially.
{Buy your "Love is a Choice" shirt here!}
This is not to say that there won't be good times. I present these ideas, because I too am guilty myself of feeling like we are doing something good and overlooking how the children feel as they are leaving a life that they have grown accustomed to. I often think they are sitting their dreaming of us like we are of them. I often think of how the long to have a family that will love and protect them, when I'm sure that more often than that they are thinking of how they just want to be back home. This is why love is not enough. This is why the desire to do something good is not enough. This is why wanting to help is not enough. This process, this route to becoming a parent is not for the faint of heart. We certainly don't take it lightly. And I'm thankful that these classes are part of the process to help prepare us as parents and coach us through the unexpected things that these children have faced in their lives.
I encourage you to watch the video below. I warn you, it's a tearjerker. It is not something easy to watch. And as much as some might think it is not reality, I believe this video is true picture of their story, in part.
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We are the village,
Lauren
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