College Kids "What I Wish my Parents Would have Taught Me"

“Emotional skills - that's the top thing college students wished mom and dad would have taught them”, read a post on the K Love Morning Show Facebook page. That really spoke to me. I can identify, because I was once a college kid having to relate and interact with other people from all different walks of life.

The funny thing is that we all would have thought it would be how to budget or how to best manage your time- those are different blogs for a different day. However, what adults tend to gloss over or forget to focus on when it comes to kids, is teaching them to live in an outside world where not everything goes their way. Growing up my dad taught us "Life isn't fair". Simple but true.

The past few blogs in our Faith, Food, + Fitness segment have been about building your health on a firm foundation. Coach Andrea has focused how losing weight isn't just about a goal for weightloss, because if your only goal is to drop a few pounds, when you get to that goal, the habits you've relied on for years will overcome your willpower, and you will find yourself gaining it right back and trying the next fad diet.

Well the same goes for kids. They need to have a good, solid foundation to become productive young adults who can manage the things this world throws at them. College-aged students are getting out of the home and screaming “This real world is nothing like the world I’ve grown up in the last 18 years!"

Part of this is because parents always want better for their children than they had for themselves. This is a great intention. They want to send their children off with more than they had, to go farther in life in than they could, and not struggle as much as they have to in their life. Am I right?!

While parents are wanting to supply their children with “better”, they are forgetting that the real world doesn’t always go as planned. When their college professor doesn’t give them an IEP (Individualized Education Plan), let them re-take tests, or excuse their absence because they had a headache, it all goes downhill. There is no foundation for how to react appropriately, when things just don't go their way.

So, what kind of emotions are these college students talking about? Either it’s the ones their parents tell them not to have because they are overreacting, it's a perceived weakness, and it’s inappropriate OR it’s the emotions that have always gotten them what they wanted before at home by pitching a fit or manipulating but they can’t seem to work their professors and friends like they did their parents at home. Let's face it, the real world is brutal. And it won't conform to our children. This is why adults (grandparents, coaches, mentors, teachers, parents...) have to teach children emotional stability– what emotions are appropriate for which situations and when it is okay to express these emotions. When we refuse to allow children to express emotions, they are just suppressing them, and sooner or later they will surface when they are in the real world.

In my time as a teacher and working as a family advocate and treatment plan case manager, I’ve watched plenty of parents belittle their children’s emotional state to stop from being embarrassed; yes, sometimes that is the appropriate thing to do. Is it really okay for your child to have a temper tantrum in the middle of Target because they’re not getting a Reese’s Cup? No. But is it okay to cry over a bad grade, because they’ve put their full effort into that last test and it didn’t seem to add up to your expectation of them? Is it okay to cry because they missed the winning goal at their game or they just didn’t quite make the cut?

We have to teach our children that emotions are part of life. We are not robots. Sometimes we are going to be angry. Sometimes we are going to be upset. Disappointed. Elated. Stressed. Sometimes we’re going to be excited. We all experience these as adults, right? And we've certainly seen some adults pitch temper tantrums that still don't know how to manage their emotions. We have to remember that ALL ADULTS were children at some point. If they weren't taught as a child to manage their emotions appropriately, they didn't get a pass when they turned 18 that magically made them capable of emotional stability either.

All of these emotions that children face are normal and are okay, as long as they don’t continue to repeat them day in and day out or take these emotions out on someone else. How often do moms and dads have a rough day at work and come home and take it out on the kids? It happens! But we have to teach children that this is not okay. It’s not okay to feel angry about our own mistakes and take them out on our roommate, friend, or family. How do we teach children to cope with the things that real life is going to throw at them? We let them experience real life events while they are in our care, while we still can protect them, but not leave them sheltered to things they are going to experience one day without us.

Yes, this means letting them fail. I’ve seen so many parents stop children short because they know that what they are doing is going to leave them distressed. They can see the outcome- that the kid doesn't quite measure up. It's OK! Let your child mess up. Let them be hurt. And then let them face the consequences of messing up, so they learn from their mistakes and failures, just as you have. Stopping your child short because you don’t want them to experience something that upsets them or angers them is only leaving room for no mistakes after they’re out on their own. We have to let our kids mess up, feel the feelings they’re supposed to feel when they mess up, and then realize the power that failure doesn't mean you stop and give up, but that you pick up the pieces and you try AGAIN. Perseverance is built only by failing over and over and learning how to make the most of closed doors and broken pieces.

Messing up leaves us in a great position to help kids figure out the healing process. Help kids around you heal. Help them find solutions, but don’t give them all the answers without the effort it takes to get there. This ensures them that real life is going to happen to them one day, but you’re going to be there for them when it all falls apart, not to rescue them, but to help them figure out a solution.

Here are 3 simple coping solutions to everyday challenges.

#1 Journaling. Tell your child to journal about how they feel. As cheesy as this is, journaling tells the brain, “It’s okay. I have written it down. I can stop thinking about it now.” It’s important to get those feelings out, so that they aren't stuck with them when they’re trying to focus on other things.

#2 Creativity. Another great coping solution for children is to let them express themselves through music, art, play, anything that they’re passionate about.

#3 Positive Change. When they get angry, change their direction. Change their focus to something different until it is time to talk through their behavior. Tell them to go listen to their favorite song or go teach the dog some new tricks. Occupy their mind with positive things. Then when the emotions have subsided, they can focus on those emotions rationally. This quickly brings them back to reality and lets them know their world will not fall apart because of what they have just experienced. Life goes on.

As easy as it sounds to start teaching kids emotional techniques, the most important thing to remember is they are studying and learning behaviors from the adults that surround them. They are watching your every move. They will react the way you did when they experience things later in life, so teach them through your own emotions. Be a stable shoulder for them to cry on.

If you’re a hot mess as a parent and you don’t know how or what you’re feeling at any given moment, then work on that for your kids. Try to leave work stress at work. Don’t bring it into your home. Do some journaling yourself, so that your brain can be assured it’s written down and there is no need to think about those bills or the dirty house every ten minutes. Enjoy some quiet time, some you time, because you deserve that too! After all, you are playing a huge part in the future of our society- you (mom, dad, grandma, teacher, coach), whomever you are, YOU are raising our next generation!

Let's Conquer the world together,

Savannah

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