Just like there are things you don't say to pregnant women... there are some things you shouldn't say or ask expectant parents going through the adoption process, specifically state/foster care adoptions. I have included my likely answers- so brace yourselves for the sarcasm {you're welcome}! Some of these I have experienced already and some I have found during our research, preparation, or learned in class. Here are a few...
Q+A
#1 You have it easy! Adoption is so much easier than birthing a child.
You don't know the half of it. Though our journeys lead us to the same place- parenthood, one is not necessarily easier than another. I do not know what it's like to carry a child, to birth a child, to nest as if my home were welcoming the smell of a baby that I carried for 9 months. Though labor, from what I hear, is the hardest physical process on this earth to endure, our journey comes with different struggles- mentally, emotionally, and physically. As an expectant mother of adoptive children, most of us have never had the opportunity to carry a child or perhaps we lost one prematurely. And some new mothers will never have to face the pain of either of those.
With that being said, life is different for everyone. My best advice for those of you that have this thought- just don't say it out loud. Perhaps, instead, ask them what the process is like. If they are anything like us- we get super excited and passionate talking about life with a child just like an expectant mother of an unborn baby.
#2 So where are their real parents? Are they in jail? Are they druggies?
By real, do you mean living and breathing? It is not our place to share or disclose what happened to the parents. That is their story, not ours. Kids are not stupid. Can I get an amen?! Kids know that we did not birth them. But since when did birthing children qualify you to be parents? A parent is someone that can embrace a child unconditionally, love them, and model a life that makes them a productive and respectful member of society.
Their parents, for whatever reason, had their rights terminated or relinquished rights. They were unable to care for them and provide a safe environment for them. They were given at least 12 months to make a change in their life to care for their child(ren). Everything they did or did not do was accounted for, and they stood humiliated and completely alone, as the child they birthed was taken from them because of their decisions.
In our home, these questions and conversations will happen as a family. But to anyone outside our home, these questions (especially in front of our children) will be dismissed. So if the conversation suddenly takes a turn in another direction, you now understand why. These questions are triggers for children that have been through traumatic experiences. They will not be tolerated. Instead, ask them about their past life by perhaps asking them how they celebrate their birthday, their favorite toy growing up, or a dessert they can't live without. Then watch as they tell positive stories of how their grandma would make them a birthday cake every year or how they always played ball with their older brothers and sisters after school.
Don't avoid their former life. Just ask questions that lead to positive conversations, not to turmoil. Be smart.
#3 Will they have issues?
Ummm... Don't we all? I mean really? Even parents that put kids on the straight and narrow, raise them in church (even pastors' kids), and teach their child right from wrong, eventually have trouble. We all go through teenage years that bring change and figuring things out which make us a little strong willed. The only difference may be that these children carry the weight of doing it alone if they don't have someone to guide them through these battles.
#4 How much do they cost?
Ok let's just put a price tag on children now. I think you mean, how much does it cost to adopt? What fees are associated? All children cost money {PERIOD}. Different types of adoption cost different amounts. Private and international adoptions cost more. State adoptions (at least in Florida) are covered by the state except minimal things- fingerprinting, for instance. They want the BEST for these foster care children. They want them to succeed and they want to encourage other parents to adopt. They want permanence and families for children. So, though it is not free, it isn't costly to adopt. The cost comes after- in their care of course.
In Florida, we are very blessed that our state adoptions include the cost of therapy, medical insurance, and college- woot woot! We are so grateful that these things will help set our kids up for success!
#5 Are you looking for one that looks like you?
What do you mean? Do you mean am I considering adopting a child that is a different race? At least 90% of the children in our county are not white, Caucasian, whatever you want to call it. Race is of little concern compared to bigger things- like CULTURE. We want to be open minded when it comes to adopting a child with a different culture. This may cause some discomfort- we understand that. It may cause some challenges understanding, but we are excited to explore and learn about our KIDS!
That being said, racism, not matter what race you are, is relevant today and it was relevant when Jesus walked the earth- Have you read this book we call the Bible? We want to teach our kids to be strong and confident in who they are and that means embracing them and their culture- and yes their skin color- red, yellow, black or white!
#6 When someone warns, "It's not like adopting dog. There's a lot more to it."
I didn't get my kid from the pound! You're right. We didn't just find a picture of our kid online, hop in the car, pay $75 and take them home. We know that. This process is changing as we speak, but it is to better set children and families up for success. We are trained and certified to be adoptive parents at the end of these few months. Our lives, our every past mistake, our finances are all considered. So while we completely agree with you that this is not like adopting a dog. We are not dumb. And this remark is nothing but insulting.
If you have children and make this comment... while we respect that you are a parent already, none of these things were considered or scrutinized when you were pregnant, so we appreciate the concern, but really think about what you're saying and imagine if someone said that to you. We will be as prepared as we can be to bring these children home.
#7 Do you still want some of your own?
They will be our own. And we will be parents to as many children in whatever capacity God brings them to us. Then end.
#8 You didn't want a baby?
Well of course we did and do, but right now we want these children, the ones that God is bringing home to us in this season. In our lives, we feel that this is what God has called us to do right now. For us, it's not about waiting for a baby. For us, love is now.
#9 You're such ______ people. I wish I could be like that. {Fill in the blank with any word that makes us feel awkward- wonderful, inspiring, selfless, godly... do you say that to a pregnant mother?}
It's just weird. Don't get me wrong we are thankful that you want something to say, but we just want to be parents and love our children like they deserve to be loved. They did not ask for this life- being removed from their home, placed temporarily from one place to another, and then end up somewhere maybe 5 years later. They deserve a chance at life where they can thrive, be loved for who they are and enjoy life as a child. We aren't seeking to be wonderful for doing it. In all reality perhaps it's actually selfish- this is something we WANT, not something we are just DOING.
You can do this. Ask me how! I'll be happy to share our journey with you at any time! These children need families. And it all begins with a desire.
#10 Well at least you get a trial run with them before you make it official. Then if it doesn't work out, at least you have time to decide.
Ok, I have to admit, I fell for this too. There is a 90 day period in which the child must live in your home before they become adopted. You meet them for supervised, unsupervised, overnight and extended visits along the way then you bring them home for 90 days. If there are no hiccups, they are yours?!
That's not exactly how it works. You must make a commitment before you ever meet the child to adopt them. This means that you must be 100% on board. We are provided with a small background, then an overview of their history, then their entire history long before we ever decide to meet them. This is hard on kids. Meeting potential parents, thinking their forever family awaits, then they just get pulled out of their home- even down to the night before the adoption is official... this is what they are trying to avoid. As traumatic as it is to think a child may be ripped away from you, can you imagine that as a child? It would literally make your world crumble- for what little you had left.
This 90 days is not a trial period. It is a transition period to ensure that the child will be cared for. It is a period of time where you are getting to know one another and making sure that the child feels safe and they can embrace you and life with your family, not if you can embrace the child. They don't sit down with the child and ask for a commitment from them to stay with you. So as innocent as this sounds, it is not accurate.
Alright, alright! On the other hand, Joel and I welcome whatever questions you have, ignorant or stupid, intelligent or curious. We want to educate people as we are learning. I think too often, just like with Joel's physical struggles, people are scared or intimidated to approach us. We are simply sharing our life as an open book because someone we all have people in our lives that are different and we want you to know that we exist. YES- sometimes I feel like people look at disabilities and even adoption as if its the elephant in the room and they are too afraid to offend someone. If there were any couple that won't be offended by your questions, it's us. We are NOT easily offended- so bring it! However, just be prepared that I come loaded with a healthy dose of respectable sarcasm. It just comes natural to me. And be prepared to open mouth and insert foot. Ok... so what ya got? Ask anything!
I am so glad you are here reading about adoption through the foster care system. Subscribe (at the bottom of this page) to get all our updates along the way. Visit our adoption page too for more- videos, blogs, ways to get involved, and adoption resources. Want an adoption shirt for you or to support us? Check out our market for new designs added weekly!
xoxo,
Lauren Jackson
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